..Everyday I grow deeper and deeper in agony. Your words keep replaying in my mind and I'm not sure if they will ever stop. This will be the last time you will ever hear from me again. I just couldn't go on without ever saying that maybe some how I felt it too. You told me not to settle for anyone who isn't right for me or for someone who will never truly love me they way you did. well I never will because you are the only one who will ever be the one for me...
and it was that way from the start. We both know that. It was more than coincidence that brought us together and its more than emotions why we both can't let go...
"Please believe me when I say there was nothing I've ever wanted more than you.."
I hold it true, what'er befall;
I feel it, When I sorrow most;
Tis better to have loved and lost
Than to have never loved at all.
Alfred Lord Tennyson
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses much more;
He who loses faith, loses all.
- Eleanor Roosevelt --
Yesterday me and Daniel were walking around outside and we walked passed this metal and wood beam that went across my creek it was at the most 9ft from the ground and since the creek was dry there wasn't any water. I never have been able to walk all the way across it. Usually I would go halfway get scared and go back but yesterday it was different I didn't even make it half way before I felt my knees lock and all the sudden 9ft seemed like 90ft and I became really dizzy. I felt like I was suffocating. I realized I was having a real panic attack. A panic attack... me? Me whose quote just one year prior to that moment was "live fast, die young" me who took a chance on anything at anytime, the free spirit. When I finally (i have no recollection of how) made it back to solid ground, realized just how different I've become. I've become scared. I'm scared of pain of any kind. After a year of what I thought were a couple of scars I realized were still just wounds that haven't completely healed.. I think finally their about to. I know all this over something so small but to me it wasn't. A nine foot fall wouldn't have killed me it might have hurt a little sure but I would have conquered something that has almost taken over.. fear, the fear of living again. I don't want to live like this anymore.
Forget the risk take fall if its what you want its worth it all
He who loses a friend, loses much more;
He who loses faith, loses all.
- Eleanor Roosevelt --
Yesterday me and Daniel were walking around outside and we walked passed this metal and wood beam that went across my creek it was at the most 9ft from the ground and since the creek was dry there wasn't any water. I never have been able to walk all the way across it. Usually I would go halfway get scared and go back but yesterday it was different I didn't even make it half way before I felt my knees lock and all the sudden 9ft seemed like 90ft and I became really dizzy. I felt like I was suffocating. I realized I was having a real panic attack. A panic attack... me? Me whose quote just one year prior to that moment was "live fast, die young" me who took a chance on anything at anytime, the free spirit. When I finally (i have no recollection of how) made it back to solid ground, realized just how different I've become. I've become scared. I'm scared of pain of any kind. After a year of what I thought were a couple of scars I realized were still just wounds that haven't completely healed.. I think finally their about to. I know all this over something so small but to me it wasn't. A nine foot fall wouldn't have killed me it might have hurt a little sure but I would have conquered something that has almost taken over.. fear, the fear of living again. I don't want to live like this anymore.
Forget the risk take fall if its what you want its worth it all
I hear thunder rumbling in the distance. The song on the radio plays almost an eerie heartbreaking mixture of ghostly tales and tragic loves. The violins echo screams of an unforgotten romance trapped by a doomed fate.
The piano cries out a consistent unfailing sadness of a love that will never exsist.
For most time seems to pass too quickly but for some hours seem like an eternity and death.. death is the final passing of an already living lifeless corpse.
-me
The piano cries out a consistent unfailing sadness of a love that will never exsist.
For most time seems to pass too quickly but for some hours seem like an eternity and death.. death is the final passing of an already living lifeless corpse.
-me
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
So yesterday I had a complete moment of insanity.. it was hard. It still is I guess because I don't want Victory to be like my other bad memories and just throw everything good and bad memory together and forget it all. I want to remember how good it was at times but I'm really glad things turned out like they did. I made myself sick last night thinking about how I thought I missed it so much. I know this sounds so stupid b/c its been over a year and I still have problems with it sometimes, sometimes it literally brings me to my knees knowing that it ended so unfinished and bitterly I never wanted to accept that everyone says that they'll be there till the end through thick and thin but it didn't happen on my part either I couldn't forgive things as well. I'm the kind of person who can't just repress feelings and then move forward trying to pretend its not there. I have to fully deal with every thought and every emotion until its completely resolved and closed with most things anyway and even if it has taken me over a year to deal with this and move on I'm okay with that because I'm so close to getting there.. Bro. Larry had told someone that I had something that most other teenagers don't and he saw something in me that he really doesn't see in most.. I don't really know what he meant by that and I never asked for the specifics but I knew he was right. I wasn't meant to get pregnant early, get engaged unsurely or work at mediocre job day to day, there is something more for me I knew that and somehow he knew it too but I became dissuaded from my course. I made mistakes.. but too say I regret them goes completely against my oath. There are no regrets, mistakes maybe but ultimately they made who I am and got me where I am now and I'm stronger for that . I learn not through others mistakes but the hardest way from my own mistakes its just not enough for someone to say don't play with fire because you'll get burned as obvious as it is I still have to know for myself. I've learned.
I found this quote last night and it has become one of my favorite it was also a little providential that I found it when I did and in the current state I was last night.
"I believe that everything happens for a reason people change so that you can learn to let them go, things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they go right, you believe lies so that you can eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." who else but -marilyn monroe <3
It could not possibly fit any better than that. I'm okay everyone I needed I already have me myself and I lol I'm just kidding. See I'm making myself laugh thats a start ... :)
So yesterday I had a complete moment of insanity.. it was hard. It still is I guess because I don't want Victory to be like my other bad memories and just throw everything good and bad memory together and forget it all. I want to remember how good it was at times but I'm really glad things turned out like they did. I made myself sick last night thinking about how I thought I missed it so much. I know this sounds so stupid b/c its been over a year and I still have problems with it sometimes, sometimes it literally brings me to my knees knowing that it ended so unfinished and bitterly I never wanted to accept that everyone says that they'll be there till the end through thick and thin but it didn't happen on my part either I couldn't forgive things as well. I'm the kind of person who can't just repress feelings and then move forward trying to pretend its not there. I have to fully deal with every thought and every emotion until its completely resolved and closed with most things anyway and even if it has taken me over a year to deal with this and move on I'm okay with that because I'm so close to getting there.. Bro. Larry had told someone that I had something that most other teenagers don't and he saw something in me that he really doesn't see in most.. I don't really know what he meant by that and I never asked for the specifics but I knew he was right. I wasn't meant to get pregnant early, get engaged unsurely or work at mediocre job day to day, there is something more for me I knew that and somehow he knew it too but I became dissuaded from my course. I made mistakes.. but too say I regret them goes completely against my oath. There are no regrets, mistakes maybe but ultimately they made who I am and got me where I am now and I'm stronger for that . I learn not through others mistakes but the hardest way from my own mistakes its just not enough for someone to say don't play with fire because you'll get burned as obvious as it is I still have to know for myself. I've learned.
I found this quote last night and it has become one of my favorite it was also a little providential that I found it when I did and in the current state I was last night.
"I believe that everything happens for a reason people change so that you can learn to let them go, things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they go right, you believe lies so that you can eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." who else but -marilyn monroe <3
It could not possibly fit any better than that. I'm okay everyone I needed I already have me myself and I lol I'm just kidding. See I'm making myself laugh thats a start ... :)
Your Blogrings
TRAVEL THE WORLDprevious - random - nextKiss me, I'm a hopeless romantic.previous - random - nexti prefer stilettosprevious - random - nextand by god, there will be dancing.previous - random - nextla bella vita ♥previous - random - nextThe New Era Of Romanticisimprevious - random - nextHippies at Heartprevious - random - nextgive me a cup of coffee and a deep conversation.previous - random - nextManage your blogrings
Posting Calendar
Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 2009 2008 2007 2006 2005 2004 2003 2002 2001 2000 1999
<<> newest >>
view all weblog archives
Get Involved!
Suggest a link
Recommend to friend
Create a site
xanga photos videos blogrings metros profiles
New Weblog Entry
Public Preview
Add Photo
Add Video
Add Audio
Add Pulse
來Xanga工作! 招聘紐約地區的實習生!
Please try out the new private home page!… or click here to read all about it
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
What value will there ever be in life, if we aren't together?? - Becoming JaneWhen that morning comesI'll make coffee and you'll read the paperWe'll talk about our plansAnd I'll keep saying how lucky we are
Private - 5:00 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it - fix language
Saturday, December 22, 2007
I don't like illegal immigration but this is just funny!
Public - 9:41 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it - fix language
Monday, December 17, 2007
Today on the way to the mall we were on the express way when I noticed a man on the side of the road walking I contiued looking in his direction when I noticed in the woods a dilapidated house that had caved in and was completely destroyed and looked like it had been abandoned for years. There was a tent that people had been living in. They're homeless.. my heart literally broke. Usually I'm a little cold to people who don't have jobs. I have a hard time feeling sympathy for them but today... I felt such compassion that made me so sad. If only there was something I could do.. I wish I was Donald Trump ( bad example I know but he's the first that came to mind) so I could create jobs and have money to give millions of dollars to truly deserving people. I don't have the tolerance for people who ask for help all the time or aren't willing to help themselves. I think sometimes I think its easier than what it really is to get a job. I hear constancy how the economy is down but I just don't see it. I think it's people who live above their means I mean do we all really need a 2,000 dollar handbag it doesn't make sense. Don't get me wrong I like nice things just like everyone else but the difference between me and most others is that I'm willing to work for everything I get ( i know I don't have a job but i clean this house which I consider a full time job with five people!)I've heard my whole life and esp lately that there will be another depression.. and I think its really true. The thought of that terrifies me it terrified my grandfather when he was alive and my grandfather in Colorado cries when he talks about it. If it happened now it would be ten times worse b/c then people worked all the time it was nothing new to them to work out in the fields or grow thier own food.. us, we have no clue how to do any of that and I think one day of hard work outside would really kill our generation. It's a scary thought .. no money no food people can't work so they try to break into others houses for food I really do believe it will happen. It's so sad how our generation of boys and men know absolutely nothing about survival instead they know how to drive to the mall walk around and .. whatever else they do. idk. I really didn't mean to say all that but I guess I needed to get it out.I feel like I've lost something.. I can't watch politics b/c they're all liars and crooks.. I feel like my great grandfatherhe was a politician but only for a little while b/c he said when he saw how they were he didn't want any part of it. That was like 90 years ago so can you imagine what goes on now? I haven't felt the same since I read all that about the Trans Texas Corridor. Taking away half of texas and making it state owned. I can't even talk about it.. What makes me sick is that I never heard a thing about it and I watched the news all the time.. you'd think something that big would be discussed and shown publicly but it's not.
Public - 10:27 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it - fix language
Saturday, December 15, 2007
"The One"AhhhHoliday and I come home I hope to see this boy I know I can't wait for us to be alone Flippin' through the radio We sing along to the indie show The songs they play mean more than I can say And the tape I made you,Hope you think of me when it plays through I'm kinda sad now that it's done You think my time is for free In all the ways you say to me,Sweet versions of let's wait and see You're always a golden boyAnd I'm the girl that you enjoy My parents say isn't he a gifted son Time is always passingBy but still I have to wonder why You can't come to tell me I'm the one Summer goes and we have grown We have our friends,Live on our own Still I'm not the girl you want me to be Say gravity can bend the time,Funny, I always liked your mind But this whole thing is crushing me But you're always a golden boyAnd this girl's heart that you destroy You smile at me and then you have your fun Time is always passing,Still, I give you another try And hope that you will see that I'm the one You say you're scared to get too close Come let's see how it goes I see you now at the show,The 7th in,The 7th row Now you look at me And see what I've known for so long Sad that you could be so lovely and so wrong Came to say that I moved, I see your face you don't approve Guess you could say that I'm already goneBut you'll always be my golden boy And I'm the summer girl that you enjoy Some melodies are best left undone I feel the time pass awayBut in my songs you will always stay I don't need you to tell me I'm the one I don't need you to tell me I'm the one You'll never know that I was the one
TRAVEL THE WORLDprevious - random - nextKiss me, I'm a hopeless romantic.previous - random - nexti prefer stilettosprevious - random - nextand by god, there will be dancing.previous - random - nextla bella vita ♥previous - random - nextThe New Era Of Romanticisimprevious - random - nextHippies at Heartprevious - random - nextgive me a cup of coffee and a deep conversation.previous - random - nextManage your blogrings
Posting Calendar
Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 2009 2008 2007 2006 2005 2004 2003 2002 2001 2000 1999
<<> newest >>
view all weblog archives
Get Involved!
Suggest a link
Recommend to friend
Create a site
xanga photos videos blogrings metros profiles
New Weblog Entry
Public Preview
Add Photo
Add Video
Add Audio
Add Pulse
來Xanga工作! 招聘紐約地區的實習生!
Please try out the new private home page!… or click here to read all about it
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
What value will there ever be in life, if we aren't together?? - Becoming JaneWhen that morning comesI'll make coffee and you'll read the paperWe'll talk about our plansAnd I'll keep saying how lucky we are
Private - 5:00 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it - fix language
Saturday, December 22, 2007
I don't like illegal immigration but this is just funny!
Public - 9:41 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it - fix language
Monday, December 17, 2007
Today on the way to the mall we were on the express way when I noticed a man on the side of the road walking I contiued looking in his direction when I noticed in the woods a dilapidated house that had caved in and was completely destroyed and looked like it had been abandoned for years. There was a tent that people had been living in. They're homeless.. my heart literally broke. Usually I'm a little cold to people who don't have jobs. I have a hard time feeling sympathy for them but today... I felt such compassion that made me so sad. If only there was something I could do.. I wish I was Donald Trump ( bad example I know but he's the first that came to mind) so I could create jobs and have money to give millions of dollars to truly deserving people. I don't have the tolerance for people who ask for help all the time or aren't willing to help themselves. I think sometimes I think its easier than what it really is to get a job. I hear constancy how the economy is down but I just don't see it. I think it's people who live above their means I mean do we all really need a 2,000 dollar handbag it doesn't make sense. Don't get me wrong I like nice things just like everyone else but the difference between me and most others is that I'm willing to work for everything I get ( i know I don't have a job but i clean this house which I consider a full time job with five people!)I've heard my whole life and esp lately that there will be another depression.. and I think its really true. The thought of that terrifies me it terrified my grandfather when he was alive and my grandfather in Colorado cries when he talks about it. If it happened now it would be ten times worse b/c then people worked all the time it was nothing new to them to work out in the fields or grow thier own food.. us, we have no clue how to do any of that and I think one day of hard work outside would really kill our generation. It's a scary thought .. no money no food people can't work so they try to break into others houses for food I really do believe it will happen. It's so sad how our generation of boys and men know absolutely nothing about survival instead they know how to drive to the mall walk around and .. whatever else they do. idk. I really didn't mean to say all that but I guess I needed to get it out.I feel like I've lost something.. I can't watch politics b/c they're all liars and crooks.. I feel like my great grandfatherhe was a politician but only for a little while b/c he said when he saw how they were he didn't want any part of it. That was like 90 years ago so can you imagine what goes on now? I haven't felt the same since I read all that about the Trans Texas Corridor. Taking away half of texas and making it state owned. I can't even talk about it.. What makes me sick is that I never heard a thing about it and I watched the news all the time.. you'd think something that big would be discussed and shown publicly but it's not.
Public - 10:27 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it - fix language
Saturday, December 15, 2007
"The One"AhhhHoliday and I come home I hope to see this boy I know I can't wait for us to be alone Flippin' through the radio We sing along to the indie show The songs they play mean more than I can say And the tape I made you,Hope you think of me when it plays through I'm kinda sad now that it's done You think my time is for free In all the ways you say to me,Sweet versions of let's wait and see You're always a golden boyAnd I'm the girl that you enjoy My parents say isn't he a gifted son Time is always passingBy but still I have to wonder why You can't come to tell me I'm the one Summer goes and we have grown We have our friends,Live on our own Still I'm not the girl you want me to be Say gravity can bend the time,Funny, I always liked your mind But this whole thing is crushing me But you're always a golden boyAnd this girl's heart that you destroy You smile at me and then you have your fun Time is always passing,Still, I give you another try And hope that you will see that I'm the one You say you're scared to get too close Come let's see how it goes I see you now at the show,The 7th in,The 7th row Now you look at me And see what I've known for so long Sad that you could be so lovely and so wrong Came to say that I moved, I see your face you don't approve Guess you could say that I'm already goneBut you'll always be my golden boy And I'm the summer girl that you enjoy Some melodies are best left undone I feel the time pass awayBut in my songs you will always stay I don't need you to tell me I'm the one I don't need you to tell me I'm the one You'll never know that I was the one
Your Blogrings
TRAVEL THE WORLDprevious - random - nextKiss me, I'm a hopeless romantic.previous - random - nexti prefer stilettosprevious - random - nextand by god, there will be dancing.previous - random - nextla bella vita ♥previous - random - nextThe New Era Of Romanticisimprevious - random - nextHippies at Heartprevious - random - nextgive me a cup of coffee and a deep conversation.previous - random - nextManage your blogrings
Posting Calendar
Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 2009 2008 2007 2006 2005 2004 2003 2002 2001 2000 1999
<<> newest >>
view all weblog archives
Get Involved!
Suggest a link
Recommend to friend
Create a site
xanga photos videos blogrings metros profiles
New Weblog Entry
Public Preview
Add Photo
Add Video
Add Audio
Add Pulse
來Xanga工作! 招聘紐約地區的實習生!
Please try out the new private home page!… or click here to read all about it
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
What value will there ever be in life, if we aren't together?? - Becoming JaneWhen that morning comesI'll make coffee and you'll read the paperWe'll talk about our plansAnd I'll keep saying how lucky we are
Private - 5:00 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it - fix language
Saturday, December 22, 2007
I don't like illegal immigration but this is just funny!
Public - 9:41 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it - fix language
Monday, December 17, 2007
Today on the way to the mall we were on the express way when I noticed a man on the side of the road walking I contiued looking in his direction when I noticed in the woods a dilapidated house that had caved in and was completely destroyed and looked like it had been abandoned for years. There was a tent that people had been living in. They're homeless.. my heart literally broke. Usually I'm a little cold to people who don't have jobs. I have a hard time feeling sympathy for them but today... I felt such compassion that made me so sad. If only there was something I could do.. I wish I was Donald Trump ( bad example I know but he's the first that came to mind) so I could create jobs and have money to give millions of dollars to truly deserving people. I don't have the tolerance for people who ask for help all the time or aren't willing to help themselves. I think sometimes I think its easier than what it really is to get a job. I hear constancy how the economy is down but I just don't see it. I think it's people who live above their means I mean do we all really need a 2,000 dollar handbag it doesn't make sense. Don't get me wrong I like nice things just like everyone else but the difference between me and most others is that I'm willing to work for everything I get ( i know I don't have a job but i clean this house which I consider a full time job with five people!)I've heard my whole life and esp lately that there will be another depression.. and I think its really true. The thought of that terrifies me it terrified my grandfather when he was alive and my grandfather in Colorado cries when he talks about it. If it happened now it would be ten times worse b/c then people worked all the time it was nothing new to them to work out in the fields or grow thier own food.. us, we have no clue how to do any of that and I think one day of hard work outside would really kill our generation. It's a scary thought .. no money no food people can't work so they try to break into others houses for food I really do believe it will happen. It's so sad how our generation of boys and men know absolutely nothing about survival instead they know how to drive to the mall walk around and .. whatever else they do. idk. I really didn't mean to say all that but I guess I needed to get it out.I feel like I've lost something.. I can't watch politics b/c they're all liars and crooks.. I feel like my great grandfatherhe was a politician but only for a little while b/c he said when he saw how they were he didn't want any part of it. That was like 90 years ago so can you imagine what goes on now? I haven't felt the same since I read all that about the Trans Texas Corridor. Taking away half of texas and making it state owned. I can't even talk about it.. What makes me sick is that I never heard a thing about it and I watched the news all the time.. you'd think something that big would be discussed and shown publicly but it's not.
Public - 10:27 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it - fix language
Saturday, December 15, 2007
"The One"AhhhHoliday and I come home I hope to see this boy I know I can't wait for us to be alone Flippin' through the radio We sing along to the indie show The songs they play mean more than I can say And the tape I made you,Hope you think of me when it plays through I'm kinda sad now that it's done You think my time is for free In all the ways you say to me,Sweet versions of let's wait and see You're always a golden boyAnd I'm the girl that you enjoy My parents say isn't he a gifted son Time is always passingBy but still I have to wonder why You can't come to tell me I'm the one Summer goes and we have grown We have our friends,Live on our own Still I'm not the girl you want me to be Say gravity can bend the time,Funny, I always liked your mind But this whole thing is crushing me But you're always a golden boyAnd this girl's heart that you destroy You smile at me and then you have your fun Time is always passing,Still, I give you another try And hope that you will see that I'm the one You say you're scared to get too close Come let's see how it goes I see you now at the show,The 7th in,The 7th row Now you look at me And see what I've known for so long Sad that you could be so lovely and so wrong Came to say that I moved, I see your face you don't approve Guess you could say that I'm already goneBut you'll always be my golden boy And I'm the summer girl that you enjoy Some melodies are best left undone I feel the time pass awayBut in my songs you will always stay I don't need you to tell me I'm the one I don't need you to tell me I'm the one You'll never know that I was the one
TRAVEL THE WORLDprevious - random - nextKiss me, I'm a hopeless romantic.previous - random - nexti prefer stilettosprevious - random - nextand by god, there will be dancing.previous - random - nextla bella vita ♥previous - random - nextThe New Era Of Romanticisimprevious - random - nextHippies at Heartprevious - random - nextgive me a cup of coffee and a deep conversation.previous - random - nextManage your blogrings
Posting Calendar
Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 2009 2008 2007 2006 2005 2004 2003 2002 2001 2000 1999
<<> newest >>
view all weblog archives
Get Involved!
Suggest a link
Recommend to friend
Create a site
xanga photos videos blogrings metros profiles
New Weblog Entry
Public Preview
Add Photo
Add Video
Add Audio
Add Pulse
來Xanga工作! 招聘紐約地區的實習生!
Please try out the new private home page!… or click here to read all about it
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
What value will there ever be in life, if we aren't together?? - Becoming JaneWhen that morning comesI'll make coffee and you'll read the paperWe'll talk about our plansAnd I'll keep saying how lucky we are
Private - 5:00 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it - fix language
Saturday, December 22, 2007
I don't like illegal immigration but this is just funny!
Public - 9:41 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it - fix language
Monday, December 17, 2007
Today on the way to the mall we were on the express way when I noticed a man on the side of the road walking I contiued looking in his direction when I noticed in the woods a dilapidated house that had caved in and was completely destroyed and looked like it had been abandoned for years. There was a tent that people had been living in. They're homeless.. my heart literally broke. Usually I'm a little cold to people who don't have jobs. I have a hard time feeling sympathy for them but today... I felt such compassion that made me so sad. If only there was something I could do.. I wish I was Donald Trump ( bad example I know but he's the first that came to mind) so I could create jobs and have money to give millions of dollars to truly deserving people. I don't have the tolerance for people who ask for help all the time or aren't willing to help themselves. I think sometimes I think its easier than what it really is to get a job. I hear constancy how the economy is down but I just don't see it. I think it's people who live above their means I mean do we all really need a 2,000 dollar handbag it doesn't make sense. Don't get me wrong I like nice things just like everyone else but the difference between me and most others is that I'm willing to work for everything I get ( i know I don't have a job but i clean this house which I consider a full time job with five people!)I've heard my whole life and esp lately that there will be another depression.. and I think its really true. The thought of that terrifies me it terrified my grandfather when he was alive and my grandfather in Colorado cries when he talks about it. If it happened now it would be ten times worse b/c then people worked all the time it was nothing new to them to work out in the fields or grow thier own food.. us, we have no clue how to do any of that and I think one day of hard work outside would really kill our generation. It's a scary thought .. no money no food people can't work so they try to break into others houses for food I really do believe it will happen. It's so sad how our generation of boys and men know absolutely nothing about survival instead they know how to drive to the mall walk around and .. whatever else they do. idk. I really didn't mean to say all that but I guess I needed to get it out.I feel like I've lost something.. I can't watch politics b/c they're all liars and crooks.. I feel like my great grandfatherhe was a politician but only for a little while b/c he said when he saw how they were he didn't want any part of it. That was like 90 years ago so can you imagine what goes on now? I haven't felt the same since I read all that about the Trans Texas Corridor. Taking away half of texas and making it state owned. I can't even talk about it.. What makes me sick is that I never heard a thing about it and I watched the news all the time.. you'd think something that big would be discussed and shown publicly but it's not.
Public - 10:27 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it - fix language
Saturday, December 15, 2007
"The One"AhhhHoliday and I come home I hope to see this boy I know I can't wait for us to be alone Flippin' through the radio We sing along to the indie show The songs they play mean more than I can say And the tape I made you,Hope you think of me when it plays through I'm kinda sad now that it's done You think my time is for free In all the ways you say to me,Sweet versions of let's wait and see You're always a golden boyAnd I'm the girl that you enjoy My parents say isn't he a gifted son Time is always passingBy but still I have to wonder why You can't come to tell me I'm the one Summer goes and we have grown We have our friends,Live on our own Still I'm not the girl you want me to be Say gravity can bend the time,Funny, I always liked your mind But this whole thing is crushing me But you're always a golden boyAnd this girl's heart that you destroy You smile at me and then you have your fun Time is always passing,Still, I give you another try And hope that you will see that I'm the one You say you're scared to get too close Come let's see how it goes I see you now at the show,The 7th in,The 7th row Now you look at me And see what I've known for so long Sad that you could be so lovely and so wrong Came to say that I moved, I see your face you don't approve Guess you could say that I'm already goneBut you'll always be my golden boy And I'm the summer girl that you enjoy Some melodies are best left undone I feel the time pass awayBut in my songs you will always stay I don't need you to tell me I'm the one I don't need you to tell me I'm the one You'll never know that I was the one
Friday, January 11, 2008
Actually yes I do..This is hilarious! Even when I do have nothing to do with something I'm still the one everyone blames... People who don't even know me hate me.. I find this amusing. This whole thing is ridiculous.. I'm not going to be anyones excuse to get out of thier crappy relationship AND it isn't love it really is a "hurt ego"... I've moved on you should too.No one will ever happened between us because no one else felt what we both felt.. therefore I shouldn't be blamed.. ugh I don't even care about that! I think by now I'm pretty comfortable with people making me the bad person but I refuse to have everyone say that it wasn't real.. Now its just things are more difficult b/c we're not teenagers anymore.. now its the other parties in the relationship, families, and lot of other reason it wouldn't reasons it wouldn't work. We made a choice and its not so easy to walk away.. esp on something so uncertain..I'm finished waiting.. though I don't think I can do anymore of this and I can't be this "stand by girl"I never have been and I won't be now.. All we had is dead, as I am dead. Marry another.
Actually yes I do..This is hilarious! Even when I do have nothing to do with something I'm still the one everyone blames... People who don't even know me hate me.. I find this amusing. This whole thing is ridiculous.. I'm not going to be anyones excuse to get out of thier crappy relationship AND it isn't love it really is a "hurt ego"... I've moved on you should too.No one will ever happened between us because no one else felt what we both felt.. therefore I shouldn't be blamed.. ugh I don't even care about that! I think by now I'm pretty comfortable with people making me the bad person but I refuse to have everyone say that it wasn't real.. Now its just things are more difficult b/c we're not teenagers anymore.. now its the other parties in the relationship, families, and lot of other reason it wouldn't reasons it wouldn't work. We made a choice and its not so easy to walk away.. esp on something so uncertain..I'm finished waiting.. though I don't think I can do anymore of this and I can't be this "stand by girl"I never have been and I won't be now.. All we had is dead, as I am dead. Marry another.
My dreams will come true. I'm putting this book together that holds everything I want out of my life..I never really thought about what I wanted but I always had such big expectations for everything.I never thought twice that maybe some of the things I did expect would never happen. I am glad to say though I'm finally at peace with everything in my past. I have this picture of me and Hannah that sits on my bookcase. Its this picture of me and her sitting in the water at Cinnamon Bay in St. John, I remember the water was so clear and we felt like the luckiest girls in the world. Tell me thats not being at peace? lol. I've thought about framing poems that were written.. I just hold no hard feelings towards anyone. New years I sat by myself in my bed and watched forrest gump.. usually new years I usually have to being doing something really fun or else it just completely stinks but this time I knew I couldn't really do anything that would be alot of fun unless you consider cranium downstairs in the basement with Lisa, Deana and Bruce.. other people I don't know fun then seriously count me out.. anyway I was perfectly content b/c I knew my time would come when I have this glamorous new years party just not this time. I will get out of this house maybe not alive but I will get out. I'll travel, drink the finest wine, own the biggest apple tree orchard anyone has ever seen, help save the world in any way I can. I will do this all.. I think its finding happiness in the small things everyday that makes all the difference.I need to think of things I take joy in and appreciate them like, buying new shoes and then going for ice cream, receiving packages in the mail, writing letters, telling stories.. its just appreciating life.it's been said that we just don’t recognize the significant moments of our lives while they're happening. We grow complacent with ideas or things or people and we takethem for granted ... and its usually not until that thing is about tobe taken away from you that you realize how wrong you've been;that you realize how much you really need it; how much you love it.-One Tree Hill
I remember one morning my last year of school we were getting ready to start morning devotion. me of course less than thrilled.. I was still groggy from a late night before. That morning I remember Mrs. Hill right before she started to open her Bible, she looked around the room at each of us, studying our faces..I knew then that this wouldn't be a normal devotion.. not for me at least. I can't remember the reference to the verse we read but I remember the verse.I remember her tone as she read the words..See that ye fall not out by the wayThose words I will never forget as long as I live. They have been permanently imprinted on my heart and mind forever. I remember her saying, "Do you think I'm proud of you for the way you live?" Meaning she wasn't because nothing we had done had really been any kind of testament to our character we acted the way we did and didn't do anything bad because we couldn't.. really. We didn't drink or smoke because we could get expelled. We went to church every Sunday because we had to. It was non negotiable.. no fun for me but I did it because like I said, I had to. She said she would know each of us after we were out of there when we had no rules or regulations to live by and to guide us except our own conscience.."Thats when the true test comes..."That day came.. And the test.. well there was a test.I don't believe many people I went to a christian school with passed that test. Its only by God that I'm not in the same place as others. I'm thankful for the mistakes I have made.. they keep me humble. I could have failed that test and I came very close at an early age but you see that test isn't over.. I'm still taking it.. on a daliy basis. God really does have a sense of humor doesn't he? Me.. I think sometimes.. me? The most likely to fall out by the way.. the least likely to stay on track. I think I underestimate myself sometimes.. I know I'm not the best candidate and my record is far from clean.. but I won't be discouraged by that. So I make mistakes.. Who doesn't? I will never stop trying to be better. As long as I'm still learning and still striving everythings okay.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away.. Ecclesiastes 3:5
You've always said you don't know how you got so lucky to have me in your life but I don't think thats exactly true. It was me who was lucky or blessed I should say. This is hard to do but its something that must be done.. And this is what needs to be said.. Thank you. In two simple words.. Thank you. You have been nonwavering in your loyalty to me as a friend. You've been by my side the whole time. You loved me when it was hard to.. you loved me when I couldn't love myself. You have defended me when I was wrong. And when I found my world crashing before me I found you. You have been my bestfriend whether it was venting or baring each others souls. My second year of highschool when I found myself alone once again in a room of all too familiar faces I cried out to God to send me someone.. He chose you. You.. my faithful and trusted confidant, my comrade, my sometimes compass but most importantly my constant companion I love you. I will always love you. You'll forever hold a place in my heart. I have never given you enough credit. As ten year olds sitting in a class together one desk apart that could have been worlds apart for us on a social scale which now couldn't be any less important than the craze new in adolescent life but then it meant everything.. I remember being publicly humiliated in front of my entire 5th grade class over some stupid math problem.. I remember everyone laughing at me.. but you.. you didn't. I looked at you and you.. being so accustom to public mockery selflessly tried to take on my humiliation. Ten years ago.. And I still remember.. Then seven years later when I found myself in other situations of a more serious natutre... Once again there you were. In rooms full of people judging and condemning, you took on a shield and defended me.. I haven't forgotten.. I never will. We have been through hell and came out on the other side.. very dignified I might add. I'll never be convinced that we were put in each others life for any other reason but by an act of God. Because of the kindness you have shown.. my door will always be open to you as well as my heart.
Public - 11:22 AM - 13 views - 4 eprops - 2 comments - edit it - email it
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away.. Ecclesiastes 3:5
You've always said you don't know how you got so lucky to have me in your life but I don't think thats exactly true. It was me who was lucky or blessed I should say. This is hard to do but its something that must be done.. And this is what needs to be said.. Thank you. In two simple words.. Thank you. You have been nonwavering in your loyalty to me as a friend. You've been by my side the whole time. You loved me when it was hard to.. you loved me when I couldn't love myself. You have defended me when I was wrong. And when I found my world crashing before me I found you. You have been my bestfriend whether it was venting or baring each others souls. My second year of highschool when I found myself alone once again in a room of all too familiar faces I cried out to God to send me someone.. He chose you. You.. my faithful and trusted confidant, my comrade, my sometimes compass but most importantly my constant companion I love you. I will always love you. You'll forever hold a place in my heart. I have never given you enough credit. As ten year olds sitting in a class together one desk apart that could have been worlds apart for us on a social scale which now couldn't be any less important than the craze new in adolescent life but then it meant everything.. I remember being publicly humiliated in front of my entire 5th grade class over some stupid math problem.. I remember everyone laughing at me.. but you.. you didn't. I looked at you and you.. being so accustom to public mockery selflessly tried to take on my humiliation. Ten years ago.. And I still remember.. Then seven years later when I found myself in other situations of a more serious natutre... Once again there you were. In rooms full of people judging and condemning, you took on a shield and defended me.. I haven't forgotten.. I never will. We have been through hell and came out on the other side.. very dignified I might add. I'll never be convinced that we were put in each others life for any other reason but by an act of God. Because of the kindness you have shown.. my door will always be open to you as well as my heart.
Public - 11:22 AM - 13 views - 4 eprops - 2 comments - edit it - email it
Thursday, March 05, 2009
"Be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high. Then life seems almost enchanted after all."- Vincent van Gogh
Private - 10:51 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Isaiah 49:14-16
But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me, And my Lord has forgotten me.” Can a woman forget her nursing child, And not have compassion on the son of her womb? Surely they may forget, Yet I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; Your walls are continually before Me.
I'm homesick tonight.. Not for my physical home now but my spirtual home, my eternal home. Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts and wishing I was with God already. I find comfort in those thoughts. I know God is with me. Even as I write this right now I know He's here.. I talk to him everyday throughout the day mostly at night when I feel the lonliest.. Today however I'm just ready to be home. Home.. just that word stirs so much longing inside me. Can you imagine what Heaven must be like? Of couse it will be beautiful and peaceful no more stress but thats not what does it for me.. Its the knowing that I will be with someone who will forever love and accept me. The God who has me inscribed on the palms of his hands. The God that never forgets. When we get to Heaven you'll know where to find me. I'll be the one that never leaves his side. Until then I guess I will remain here.. not home and continue on in my thoughts until the day I will be..
"Be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high. Then life seems almost enchanted after all."- Vincent van Gogh
Private - 10:51 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Isaiah 49:14-16
But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me, And my Lord has forgotten me.” Can a woman forget her nursing child, And not have compassion on the son of her womb? Surely they may forget, Yet I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; Your walls are continually before Me.
I'm homesick tonight.. Not for my physical home now but my spirtual home, my eternal home. Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts and wishing I was with God already. I find comfort in those thoughts. I know God is with me. Even as I write this right now I know He's here.. I talk to him everyday throughout the day mostly at night when I feel the lonliest.. Today however I'm just ready to be home. Home.. just that word stirs so much longing inside me. Can you imagine what Heaven must be like? Of couse it will be beautiful and peaceful no more stress but thats not what does it for me.. Its the knowing that I will be with someone who will forever love and accept me. The God who has me inscribed on the palms of his hands. The God that never forgets. When we get to Heaven you'll know where to find me. I'll be the one that never leaves his side. Until then I guess I will remain here.. not home and continue on in my thoughts until the day I will be..
Friday, April 18, 2008
you know that episode of Gilmore Girls when Lorelai and luke break up and she stays in bed the whole next day and then that night she calls and leaves him this message on his answering machine telling him about this one part of The Way We Were how katie calls hubbell after they break up and tells him that she can't sleep and that she needs her bestfriend so hubbell goes to her.. so Lorelai tells Luke that she needs her bestfriend and to come over.. but as soon as she hangs up she realizes what she did and runs to lukes house to erase the message.. I can't count how many times I have done something like that. Lorelai tells Luke she isn't that girl.. the kind that runs to her ex boyfriend or guy in general when things fall apart.. neither am I. I guess what I'm trying to say is.. As much as I feel like Katie Morosky right now... I won't call and tell you I can't sleep and that I just need to talk to my bestfriend.. If I hurt you I'm sorry it was never my intentions. If you felt I kept you at a distant it was only to keep from hurting you.
you know that episode of Gilmore Girls when Lorelai and luke break up and she stays in bed the whole next day and then that night she calls and leaves him this message on his answering machine telling him about this one part of The Way We Were how katie calls hubbell after they break up and tells him that she can't sleep and that she needs her bestfriend so hubbell goes to her.. so Lorelai tells Luke that she needs her bestfriend and to come over.. but as soon as she hangs up she realizes what she did and runs to lukes house to erase the message.. I can't count how many times I have done something like that. Lorelai tells Luke she isn't that girl.. the kind that runs to her ex boyfriend or guy in general when things fall apart.. neither am I. I guess what I'm trying to say is.. As much as I feel like Katie Morosky right now... I won't call and tell you I can't sleep and that I just need to talk to my bestfriend.. If I hurt you I'm sorry it was never my intentions. If you felt I kept you at a distant it was only to keep from hurting you.
Sad thing is, you can still love someone and be wrong for them.- Elvis Presley
"it should not be denied that being footloose has always exhilarated us. it is associated in our minds with escape from history and oppression and law and irksome obligations. absolute freedom. and the road has always led west." -christopher john mccandless
"it should not be denied that being footloose has always exhilarated us. it is associated in our minds with escape from history and oppression and law and irksome obligations. absolute freedom. and the road has always led west." -christopher john mccandless
I remember one morning my last year of school we were getting ready to start morning devotion. me of course less than thrilled.. I was still groggy from a late night before. That morning I remember Mrs. Hill right before she started to open her Bible, she looked around the room at each of us, studying our faces..I knew then that this wouldn't be a normal devotion.. not for me at least. I can't remember the reference to the verse we read but I remember the verse.I remember her tone as she read the words..See that ye fall not out by the wayThose words I will never forget as long as I live. They have been permanently imprinted on my heart and mind forever. I remember her saying, "Do you think I'm proud of you for the way you live?" Meaning she wasn't because nothing we had done had really been any kind of testament to our character we acted the way we did and didn't do anything bad because we couldn't.. really. We didn't drink or smoke because we could get expelled. We went to church every Sunday because we had to. It was non negotiable.. no fun for me but I did it because like I said, I had to. She said she would know each of us after we were out of there when we had no rules or regulations to live by and to guide us except our own conscience.."Thats when the true test comes..."That day came.. And the test.. well there was a test.I don't believe many people I went to a christian school with passed that test. Its only by God that I'm not in the same place as others. I'm thankful for the mistakes I have made.. they keep me humble. I could have failed that test and I came very close at an early age but you see that test isn't over.. I'm still taking it.. on a daliy basis. God really does have a sense of humor doesn't he? Me.. I think sometimes.. me? The most likely to fall out by the way.. the least likely to stay on track. I think I underestimate myself sometimes.. I know I'm not the best candidate and my record is far from clean.. but I won't be discouraged by that. So I make mistakes.. Who doesn't? I will never stop trying to be better. As long as I'm still learning and still striving everythings okay.
I don't feel worthy. I feel so small.. I turn back to the very things that break me. Fear.. is a terrible thing. This has been a rough week. Yesterday morning I was at work and I had just starting waking everyone up for breakfast.. I walked into one of the residents rooms.. she's in the worst condition. She has a very hard time getting around she isn't always fully aware of her surroundings. I walk in her room and she doesn't know where she is I tried to explain and she told me it wasn't the kind of place she wanted to be.. I asked her what had happened to make her say that and she told me someone had came into her room that night and told her awful things and they weren't human voices.. She was having a nightmare. I helped her put on her robe and sat down on the side of the bed with her she looks at me and says, I can't even speak of it.. it was too terrible. I said, you know what I do when those things come to me..I think about God and how much he loves us.. I think about Jesus and how we're protected by his blood so nothing can get us and I start singing so it will go away.I started singing the words to one of the most beautiful hymns ...What can wash away my sin?Nothing but the blood of Jesus;What can make me whole again?Nothing but the blood of Jesus.Oh precious is the flowThat makes me white as snow;No other fount I know,Nothing but the blood of Jesus.With this child like innocence she looks at me with these hopeful eyes and says, can you sing that again.. I smiled, starting singing... and I begin to hear this weak fragile voice singing along. As the song endedshe looks up at me and says, so I don't have to be afraid anymore do I? And suddenly there at five in the morning with my arm around this broken bodied 90 year old woman trying my best to comfort her.. I felt him..I felt him sitting right there with us with his arm around me broken hearted.. comforting me. Suddenly those words jumped out at me.. What can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus..Our fears were completely different but we were both scared and in our fear we found the same protection.And I realized.. I don't have to be afraid anymore..I do terrible things but he doesn't ever forsake me.. I grieve and I hurt him but he doesn't leave. There is always forgiveness.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)