Wednesday, July 8, 2009

..Everyday I grow deeper and deeper in agony. Your words keep replaying in my mind and I'm not sure if they will ever stop. This will be the last time you will ever hear from me again. I just couldn't go on without ever saying that maybe some how I felt it too. You told me not to settle for anyone who isn't right for me or for someone who will never truly love me they way you did. well I never will because you are the only one who will ever be the one for me...
and it was that way from the start. We both know that. It was more than coincidence that brought us together and its more than emotions why we both can't let go...



"Please believe me when I say there was nothing I've ever wanted more than you.."



I hold it true, what'er befall;
I feel it, When I sorrow most;
Tis better to have loved and lost
Than to have never loved at all.
Alfred Lord Tennyson
He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses much more;
He who loses faith, loses all.
- Eleanor Roosevelt --




Yesterday me and Daniel were walking around outside and we walked passed this metal and wood beam that went across my creek it was at the most 9ft from the ground and since the creek was dry there wasn't any water. I never have been able to walk all the way across it. Usually I would go halfway get scared and go back but yesterday it was different I didn't even make it half way before I felt my knees lock and all the sudden 9ft seemed like 90ft and I became really dizzy. I felt like I was suffocating. I realized I was having a real panic attack. A panic attack... me? Me whose quote just one year prior to that moment was "live fast, die young" me who took a chance on anything at anytime, the free spirit. When I finally (i have no recollection of how) made it back to solid ground, realized just how different I've become. I've become scared. I'm scared of pain of any kind. After a year of what I thought were a couple of scars I realized were still just wounds that haven't completely healed.. I think finally their about to. I know all this over something so small but to me it wasn't. A nine foot fall wouldn't have killed me it might have hurt a little sure but I would have conquered something that has almost taken over.. fear, the fear of living again. I don't want to live like this anymore.


Forget the risk take fall if its what you want its worth it all
I hear thunder rumbling in the distance. The song on the radio plays almost an eerie heartbreaking mixture of ghostly tales and tragic loves. The violins echo screams of an unforgotten romance trapped by a doomed fate.
The piano cries out a consistent unfailing sadness of a love that will never exsist.
For most time seems to pass too quickly but for some hours seem like an eternity and death.. death is the final passing of an already living lifeless corpse.
-me
Wednesday, November 28, 2007



So yesterday I had a complete moment of insanity.. it was hard. It still is I guess because I don't want Victory to be like my other bad memories and just throw everything good and bad memory together and forget it all. I want to remember how good it was at times but I'm really glad things turned out like they did. I made myself sick last night thinking about how I thought I missed it so much. I know this sounds so stupid b/c its been over a year and I still have problems with it sometimes, sometimes it literally brings me to my knees knowing that it ended so unfinished and bitterly I never wanted to accept that everyone says that they'll be there till the end through thick and thin but it didn't happen on my part either I couldn't forgive things as well. I'm the kind of person who can't just repress feelings and then move forward trying to pretend its not there. I have to fully deal with every thought and every emotion until its completely resolved and closed with most things anyway and even if it has taken me over a year to deal with this and move on I'm okay with that because I'm so close to getting there.. Bro. Larry had told someone that I had something that most other teenagers don't and he saw something in me that he really doesn't see in most.. I don't really know what he meant by that and I never asked for the specifics but I knew he was right. I wasn't meant to get pregnant early, get engaged unsurely or work at mediocre job day to day, there is something more for me I knew that and somehow he knew it too but I became dissuaded from my course. I made mistakes.. but too say I regret them goes completely against my oath. There are no regrets, mistakes maybe but ultimately they made who I am and got me where I am now and I'm stronger for that . I learn not through others mistakes but the hardest way from my own mistakes its just not enough for someone to say don't play with fire because you'll get burned as obvious as it is I still have to know for myself. I've learned.





I found this quote last night and it has become one of my favorite it was also a little providential that I found it when I did and in the current state I was last night.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason people change so that you can learn to let them go, things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they go right, you believe lies so that you can eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." who else but -marilyn monroe <3




It could not possibly fit any better than that. I'm okay everyone I needed I already have me myself and I lol I'm just kidding. See I'm making myself laugh thats a start ... :)
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Wednesday, January 02, 2008
What value will there ever be in life, if we aren't together?? - Becoming JaneWhen that morning comesI'll make coffee and you'll read the paperWe'll talk about our plansAnd I'll keep saying how lucky we are
Private - 5:00 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it - fix language
Saturday, December 22, 2007
I don't like illegal immigration but this is just funny!
Public - 9:41 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it - fix language
Monday, December 17, 2007
Today on the way to the mall we were on the express way when I noticed a man on the side of the road walking I contiued looking in his direction when I noticed in the woods a dilapidated house that had caved in and was completely destroyed and looked like it had been abandoned for years. There was a tent that people had been living in. They're homeless.. my heart literally broke. Usually I'm a little cold to people who don't have jobs. I have a hard time feeling sympathy for them but today... I felt such compassion that made me so sad. If only there was something I could do.. I wish I was Donald Trump ( bad example I know but he's the first that came to mind) so I could create jobs and have money to give millions of dollars to truly deserving people. I don't have the tolerance for people who ask for help all the time or aren't willing to help themselves. I think sometimes I think its easier than what it really is to get a job. I hear constancy how the economy is down but I just don't see it. I think it's people who live above their means I mean do we all really need a 2,000 dollar handbag it doesn't make sense. Don't get me wrong I like nice things just like everyone else but the difference between me and most others is that I'm willing to work for everything I get ( i know I don't have a job but i clean this house which I consider a full time job with five people!)I've heard my whole life and esp lately that there will be another depression.. and I think its really true. The thought of that terrifies me it terrified my grandfather when he was alive and my grandfather in Colorado cries when he talks about it. If it happened now it would be ten times worse b/c then people worked all the time it was nothing new to them to work out in the fields or grow thier own food.. us, we have no clue how to do any of that and I think one day of hard work outside would really kill our generation. It's a scary thought .. no money no food people can't work so they try to break into others houses for food I really do believe it will happen. It's so sad how our generation of boys and men know absolutely nothing about survival instead they know how to drive to the mall walk around and .. whatever else they do. idk. I really didn't mean to say all that but I guess I needed to get it out.I feel like I've lost something.. I can't watch politics b/c they're all liars and crooks.. I feel like my great grandfatherhe was a politician but only for a little while b/c he said when he saw how they were he didn't want any part of it. That was like 90 years ago so can you imagine what goes on now? I haven't felt the same since I read all that about the Trans Texas Corridor. Taking away half of texas and making it state owned. I can't even talk about it.. What makes me sick is that I never heard a thing about it and I watched the news all the time.. you'd think something that big would be discussed and shown publicly but it's not.
Public - 10:27 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it - fix language
Saturday, December 15, 2007
"The One"AhhhHoliday and I come home I hope to see this boy I know I can't wait for us to be alone Flippin' through the radio We sing along to the indie show The songs they play mean more than I can say And the tape I made you,Hope you think of me when it plays through I'm kinda sad now that it's done You think my time is for free In all the ways you say to me,Sweet versions of let's wait and see You're always a golden boyAnd I'm the girl that you enjoy My parents say isn't he a gifted son Time is always passingBy but still I have to wonder why You can't come to tell me I'm the one Summer goes and we have grown We have our friends,Live on our own Still I'm not the girl you want me to be Say gravity can bend the time,Funny, I always liked your mind But this whole thing is crushing me But you're always a golden boyAnd this girl's heart that you destroy You smile at me and then you have your fun Time is always passing,Still, I give you another try And hope that you will see that I'm the one You say you're scared to get too close Come let's see how it goes I see you now at the show,The 7th in,The 7th row Now you look at me And see what I've known for so long Sad that you could be so lovely and so wrong Came to say that I moved, I see your face you don't approve Guess you could say that I'm already goneBut you'll always be my golden boy And I'm the summer girl that you enjoy Some melodies are best left undone I feel the time pass awayBut in my songs you will always stay I don't need you to tell me I'm the one I don't need you to tell me I'm the one You'll never know that I was the one
Your Blogrings
TRAVEL THE WORLDprevious - random - nextKiss me, I'm a hopeless romantic.previous - random - nexti prefer stilettosprevious - random - nextand by god, there will be dancing.previous - random - nextla bella vita ♥previous - random - nextThe New Era Of Romanticisimprevious - random - nextHippies at Heartprevious - random - nextgive me a cup of coffee and a deep conversation.previous - random - nextManage your blogrings



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Wednesday, January 02, 2008
What value will there ever be in life, if we aren't together?? - Becoming JaneWhen that morning comesI'll make coffee and you'll read the paperWe'll talk about our plansAnd I'll keep saying how lucky we are
Private - 5:00 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it - fix language
Saturday, December 22, 2007
I don't like illegal immigration but this is just funny!
Public - 9:41 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it - fix language
Monday, December 17, 2007
Today on the way to the mall we were on the express way when I noticed a man on the side of the road walking I contiued looking in his direction when I noticed in the woods a dilapidated house that had caved in and was completely destroyed and looked like it had been abandoned for years. There was a tent that people had been living in. They're homeless.. my heart literally broke. Usually I'm a little cold to people who don't have jobs. I have a hard time feeling sympathy for them but today... I felt such compassion that made me so sad. If only there was something I could do.. I wish I was Donald Trump ( bad example I know but he's the first that came to mind) so I could create jobs and have money to give millions of dollars to truly deserving people. I don't have the tolerance for people who ask for help all the time or aren't willing to help themselves. I think sometimes I think its easier than what it really is to get a job. I hear constancy how the economy is down but I just don't see it. I think it's people who live above their means I mean do we all really need a 2,000 dollar handbag it doesn't make sense. Don't get me wrong I like nice things just like everyone else but the difference between me and most others is that I'm willing to work for everything I get ( i know I don't have a job but i clean this house which I consider a full time job with five people!)I've heard my whole life and esp lately that there will be another depression.. and I think its really true. The thought of that terrifies me it terrified my grandfather when he was alive and my grandfather in Colorado cries when he talks about it. If it happened now it would be ten times worse b/c then people worked all the time it was nothing new to them to work out in the fields or grow thier own food.. us, we have no clue how to do any of that and I think one day of hard work outside would really kill our generation. It's a scary thought .. no money no food people can't work so they try to break into others houses for food I really do believe it will happen. It's so sad how our generation of boys and men know absolutely nothing about survival instead they know how to drive to the mall walk around and .. whatever else they do. idk. I really didn't mean to say all that but I guess I needed to get it out.I feel like I've lost something.. I can't watch politics b/c they're all liars and crooks.. I feel like my great grandfatherhe was a politician but only for a little while b/c he said when he saw how they were he didn't want any part of it. That was like 90 years ago so can you imagine what goes on now? I haven't felt the same since I read all that about the Trans Texas Corridor. Taking away half of texas and making it state owned. I can't even talk about it.. What makes me sick is that I never heard a thing about it and I watched the news all the time.. you'd think something that big would be discussed and shown publicly but it's not.
Public - 10:27 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it - fix language
Saturday, December 15, 2007
"The One"AhhhHoliday and I come home I hope to see this boy I know I can't wait for us to be alone Flippin' through the radio We sing along to the indie show The songs they play mean more than I can say And the tape I made you,Hope you think of me when it plays through I'm kinda sad now that it's done You think my time is for free In all the ways you say to me,Sweet versions of let's wait and see You're always a golden boyAnd I'm the girl that you enjoy My parents say isn't he a gifted son Time is always passingBy but still I have to wonder why You can't come to tell me I'm the one Summer goes and we have grown We have our friends,Live on our own Still I'm not the girl you want me to be Say gravity can bend the time,Funny, I always liked your mind But this whole thing is crushing me But you're always a golden boyAnd this girl's heart that you destroy You smile at me and then you have your fun Time is always passing,Still, I give you another try And hope that you will see that I'm the one You say you're scared to get too close Come let's see how it goes I see you now at the show,The 7th in,The 7th row Now you look at me And see what I've known for so long Sad that you could be so lovely and so wrong Came to say that I moved, I see your face you don't approve Guess you could say that I'm already goneBut you'll always be my golden boy And I'm the summer girl that you enjoy Some melodies are best left undone I feel the time pass awayBut in my songs you will always stay I don't need you to tell me I'm the one I don't need you to tell me I'm the one You'll never know that I was the one
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
What value will there ever be in life, if we aren't together?? - Becoming JaneWhen that morning comesI'll make coffee and you'll read the paperWe'll talk about our plansAnd I'll keep saying how lucky we are